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Here I am again

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Nearly a year since my last post (again) and here I am, again. I just finished rewatching Julie and Julia on Netflix and that made me itch to write something. Haha, I’m no writer like Julie but hey, no one is critiquing right?

With the chaos going around the globe right now, I just wish this pandemic would end soon and move on. Please, do the right thing. For those young and healthy, you are not doing this for yourselves, you are doing this for your loved ones. Don’t we have a moral obligation to protect the vulnerable? It is dull and boring. I know, I get it. But the sooner we work this together, the sooner we can get this over. We can do this!

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Crocheting again

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I have picked up crocheting again, not that I have been seriously addicted but made a couple of amigurumi before. It calms me when I only focus on counting and making sure I got each stitch right. It is a slow process for me. Just the other night I spent over an hour to make something that shown in 6 mins on a YouTube video, although the video skips some of the processes it just shows I am a slow poke in this.

Today, I have found an excellent video for creating a heart for a beginner. The author went through it step by step and I managed to crochet my very first heart. Thinking to use this for a hair clip for my daughter or something. She is really into making hair clip lately, choosing the styles and I glue everything together.

Credit:

For written instruction, you’ll need to sign in: Happy berry – how to crochet a heart

The same YouTube I’ve followed: Happy berry – YouTube

Anyway, here is my heart!

Crochet heart

 

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Roesola (Rose rash)

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My little one has a sudden high fever for the last three days and it wasn’t pleasant. She kept waking up at night and asking for feeds, water and to beep the thermometer. Apart from fever she acted normal. Now, she has a minor rash so possibly as my friend suggested, she might be having Rosesola. Luckily, the hard part is over now. Once the rash is out, that should be the end of it. Initially, I thought my little one was having teething fever since her top molar and canine breaking through.

One thing to be aware of is that the incubation period can be from 5 days to 15 days since the infection. It is highly contagious until the symptoms break (fever and/or rash); meaning you have no way of knowing until your little one has the sudden high fever. There is no treatment so just work on the temperature. If in doubt, always go visit the doc to be safe.

Just feel relax that this is over. My daughter just woke up, hope she settles  better tomorrow.

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The mental struggle

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I have thought about typing this post the whole day and finally at 2am, I am sitting in bed in the other room away from where my toddler is to type this. We have started to wean her overnight and morning feeds. My little one doesn’t fuss for it when I’m not around I’ve decided it is time to get her daddy to do night shift for a week and see if would not cry for milk when I’m around. It’s actually a difficult decision to make. It’s been 18 months with the cuddling and feedings. If we are to wean it now, would she not be as attached to me as she is now? I have this fear of her not wanting me.

Today, I nearly have a break down. Getting her to nap was a battle. Mainly, it’s a battle between her and me only. She is more obedient and easy going when it’s my mum or my husband getting her to sleep. With me, she just want to play. Being competitive doesn’t mind my situation either. I thought I could get her to do the same.  There was a lot of crying today that I questioned whether I was a good mother at all. Why there was so much crying? What did I do wrong? It took a while before she finally fell asleep next to me in cot. I waited a few minutes before getting up to pull away the blanket (because it was warm in our room). She woke up and started to cry without any sense of what she wants. She kept calling me, pointing at her comforter (my pj) and asked to be picked up. I did all that and even the cuddle wasn’t the way she wanted. She wanted cuddle but also wanted to be in bed sleeping. I didn’t spread out the pj the way she wanted it. At the end, she fell silent on my shoulder while I picked her up per her request again. I came out of the room thinking, what the hell just happened? It was a fabulous day up until the nap time. She managed to say “I love you” by herself. We went to the park and had yum cha. It was simple but pleasurable. To be honest, I was also worried what would my father in law thinks? He was downstairs when I got her upstairs for her nap. I don’t want to be judged. But really, what if my daughter doesn’t want to come and hug me anymore? I wanted to cry.

To give reason to why the mental harshness, I guess I’m experiencing separation anxiety and cutting to only one night feed a day is affecting my hormones. Next week, I’ll be back to full time. I won’t be able to spend as much time with my little one as I had for the past 18 months. They grow up so fast that I feel I’m missing out on so much as well. I want to be there when she says her first 4 syllables words. I want to be there when she mastered something new. In simple term, I just want to be there for EVERYTHING. Attachment issue I know but can you blame a mother who wants to be there of her child?

Sigh. My mind is a mess. Better call it a night and start fresh again tomorrow.

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Is this still a win?

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My daughter managed to fall asleep around 9.30pm last night and didn’t wake until 2.25am. That is a huge improvement of how she was sleeping before and since I needed to be awake early to catch a flight for a business trip (same day travel), I didn’t follow my own rule of no feed before 3am. Fed her and she slept till just before 6am. Two long stretches! BUT she won’t go back to sleep when I fed her again and I tried the latched on method. No point trying when I need to get up at 6.30am so I unlatched her and changed her nappy.

Is this still a win with longer stretch but much earlier wake up? It worries me where she only had 8.5hrs of sleep though.

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Stale progress

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I have been trying to decline my daughter a feed until pass 3am so if she wakes earlier I would try to cuddle her back to sleep. Sometimes it is easy but other times it is agonising crying in the middle of the night. Last night was just that. My dughter woke at around 1am or 2am as I didn’t check the time. It took a while before she stopped crying. She would stop, laid down for few minutes and then cried for milk again. My husband and I tried to ‘talk’ to her and comfort her back to sleep. One time she stopped crying when I said she is going to wake up her grandpa. I am not sure if she really understood but hey, as long as it worked! If I groupped the clustered wake and sleep as one then my daughter woke up 3 times throughout until she is up for the day at 7am.

I just don’t know where she finds the energy from. My mil took her out for a walk in the morning and I started to get her to nap at around 1.30pm. She just wanted to play and would cried when I tried to get her to sleep. It took me a total of 1.5hrs because she is willing to be down for a nap. How can a toddler just BE so energetic despite her frequent waking at night?! Not to mention she had less than 10 hours of sleep the night before. I read some baby is born to sleep less. I guess I have one! The upside is she doesn’t get grumpy when she is awake so that makes caring for her easier. I don’t need to worry about a grumpy tired toddler. 

This is not related to sleep but my daughter is getting so adorable with repeating words. It can be a hit and miss but being a normal bias mum, she is doing great with words! I just hope she will say ‘ma’ soon instead of every person being ‘ba ba’ (dad in Cantonese).

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Getting there!

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Last night my daughter woke up 3 times! It is better than 6 times right? Aftet she woke up for the first time I cuddled her back to sleep. She won’t let me leave the cot and kept grabbing my neck to sleep. I fell asleep and woke up after 3am. I left the cot and she woke up not long after. This time I fed her back to sleep and then she slept till 5 something am. Latch on to sleep till 8am. This is an improvement right?? 

Let’s see how tonight goes!! I hope she keeps improving and we will all have good night sleep.

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Nope, still very disrupted sleep.

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Last night, still the same with frequent wake up. Managed to cuddle my daughter back to sleep for a couple of times then I got too tired to even try; feed and back to sleep you go! My aim was one feed at a time anyway. It was successful in a way that for her first night waking a cuddle could get her back to sleep. Hopefully she will get the idea of no feed and just sleep through the first night waking. 

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A little progress I guess?

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Last night, my daughter woke up like 5 times and managed to get her back to sleep with a cuddle twice. I was a little frustrated with very disrupted sleep the night before and needed to work today. I said to my daughter “Can you please go to sleep? Mummy is very tired and really want to sleep.” I don’t think she understood me really well because she still cried for a feed. This morning, she woke up around 6am as usual and I got her to bed to latch on to sleep as usual (yes, please don’t judge me, that’s how I can squeeze in a bit more sleep before the day). However, this morning my alarm didn’t wake her and I managed to sneak out of the bedroom. My husband told me she slept till 8:10am. That’s something new!!

Tonight, again no protest for milk before sleep. I kinda ignore her chat and pretended that I  fell asleep. She laid on top of me and eventually fell asleep on her own after I stopped replying her. Mental note to self, remember to ignore her interaction to play! 9pm bed time is a bit of an early night for her despite I started her night before 8pm. I don’t mind 9pm bed time as long as she can sleep for longer. Let’s hope I don’t hear any crying before mid-night!

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Progress!!

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My daughter woke up like 6 times last night but a couple of the times I was able to cuddle her back to sleep without feed. I see that as an improvement!! Tonight, she was back to her old self of falling asleep after a feed and play in cot. I heard her cry just then but all quiet after. I really hope this is the beginning of her sleeping better and longer. There is hope!